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My New Year’s Resolution January 26, 2015

Posted by Alex Sawit in In My Opinion.
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By Alex Sawit

January 26, 2015

 

 

   I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution before.

   Certainly, lots of folks enjoy making New Year’s resolutions. It’s a socially fashionable way to enthusiastically announce to the world one’s commitment to start over, using the perfectly timed convenience of the new year as a clean slate. Just like that, as if a magic wand had been waved, one is able to throw out all the unwanted baggage that one had been carrying as a result of twelve calendar months of accumulated life mismanagement. All is absolved. And after all the effort of drinking and partying in order to usher the arrival of a brand new twelve months, one now takes comfort in the knowledge that there is plenty of time to get things right THIS time around.

   Unfortunately, as the cliché says, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again in the hope of getting a different result.

   It’s like this comedy skit that I remember watching years ago. In the show, the stand-up comedian is re-enacting the hilarious rituals of socializing while getting blissfully intoxicated at a bar. Eventually, the audience reaches that point in the story where the comedian confronts them with the universal problem of going home in the wee hours of the morning…when one is already hopelessly, head-splittingly wasted.

   “What I really hate,” he tells his guilty audience, with that sinking feeling that all drunken returnees understand, “is that it takes me every ounce of will just to struggle out of the car seat!”

   “Finally, I pull myself out! And now I’m standing on the road, begging myself! Please, please, please! Just make it to the front door!”

   “And then…I see joggers.”

   [ AUDIENCE LAUGHS ]

   Wrapping up the skit, he then describes in painful detail what all hangover veterans know by heart: the crushing remorse of waking up in bed, of time passing slowly and torturously, and the cruel penance of getting up to endure a mercilessly beautiful, sunshine filled day.

   “And that’s when I make myself that solemn promise, ‘I will never drink again!’ ”

   [ MORE LAUGHTER ]

   “And THIS time, I mean it!”

   [ ALL OUT LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CURTAINS ]

   You get what I mean?

   That’s why I’ve always distrusted people who excitedly advocate making New Year’s resolutions, in the same way that I am distrustful of fashionistas and hipsters. They’re made of fluff. They make promises that are as binding as the confetti that quickly gets swept from the ballroom floor after the champagne is gone and the fireworks have been silenced by the darkness.

   Then again, I’m being unfair to all of you who ever made a New Year’s resolution at one point or another. The onus is on the person making the promise. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making a resolution if your resolve is in the right place.

   I now find myself in such a place. I’ve given it much thought and, after nearly a month gone by in this new year, it’s time for me to finally make a New Year’s resolution of my own.

   To be honest, I’m glad 2014 is over. To be frank and brutal, I hate that year.

   I’ve never known a year that has left me so disappointed in people whom I trusted – people to whom I had sincerely given my loyalty. Granted, it’s a handful of individuals, but each was a Cyrano friend. It is a terrible thing to realize the truth in what Shakespeare said about those who stab where friendship has lowered its guard. “This was the most unkindest cut of all,” he wrote in Julius Caesar. “Ingratitude.”

   Yet even now, I wish them well. And if someday enough time will have passed for amends to be made, I will welcome that.

   For now, all I can do is bill this to experience. I’ve learned a lot from them. And so, here is My New Year’s Resolution of 2015, in the form of a rephrased quote from President Frank Underwood in House of Cards:

   “They’ve done me a great favor. Never again will I allow myself to be put in such a position.”

   [ DOUBLE-TAP SOUND OF KNUCKLES KNOCKING ON WOOD ]

 

 

 

 

 

 

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